i like the color but it makes me feel really constipated.


































september has came to a closure. so did my problems whoosh by. i feel so much lighter (physically, the opposite) until this photo spoils it. i think it's the angle. the entryway is too tight and short. it makes me feel pressured.

here i am looking forward to the second half of the semester,
am i?
i think it must be very exciting.
and it's very tempting as well to add in the " " to the appropriate phrases.
i can get my ass off school and do whatever i like after that 2 months. doesnt sound too bad a deal.
2 more months!


last night's movie was quite a kill.

i chanced upon this. 有一小部分让我感到十分贴切。

anyway the tele is working just fine.

i need an oxygen mask.

10 minutes ago, i was watching tele in the living room and smoke started coming out! there's still picture when i saw smoke but i switched off the tele in case of fire or something.
later when my stepdad comes back and switches on the tele i wonder if the pictures will appear still. and hes going to question me bout the smoking tele and the disgusting PVC smell lurking in the house which i half think is toxic. gasp. i'm dying.

oh well, i guess i'll have to be honest with him that i'm not into smoking and have no cigarettes to share with the tele.

i'm not into cats but cats are into me. we can just connect. anyway this is not just any normal cat k. it's a cat from terengganu china town. wow

after all the listlessness, restlessness, self inflicted frustration, i'm suddenly more certain of where i'm heading for.

it's really pointless to think about what you cant change.

i can read you through my lens. particularly the relationship i share with the subjects of my shots. i could tell who adores me and who doesnt. and even the feelings you try to hide from me get magnified in photos. when there's something more than just wanting to smile nicely for a camera, it can get really obvious. how could i tell? from the softness in your eyes and everything else. it's really no escape. photos capture more than just what our bare eyes could see. if this doesnt get too abstract for you, it captures the moment. and the feeling of that moment and the connection between people.

like one or two of them, you can choose to avoid looking straight into my camera. but i'm telling you thats a stupid move because it's even more obvious that you've got something you want to hide.

i'm so restless now im quite capable of breaking one whole box of pencils and shredding a rim of paper. and if i go for violin today, im quite sure i will flatten those dao-gehs or chew off those strings.

laugh out loud.

oh my godd.

so i proceed to text christopher
can i resume lesson next week oct too. i'm extremely restless today i dont know what has gotten to me. i'm so restless tt i'm close to smashing my violin. this cant get any more frustrating. :(

and i get an instantaneous
ok

for 7 years and counting, he cant be ever more understanding to my quirky ways. he gives me space, perhaps a little too much.

i'm 5 months from exam. dawn, probably only you will truely understand these similar-to-artist-block days!

hell, wake up!
can someone tell me it's really really all just in the mind?

i remember someone asked me once if i'm into making new year resolutions. i cant recall whats the answer that i gave but here's it:

i'm never into making resolutions on the first of every year (i only do it cos teachers from those junior and high school days force it on me) cos seriously, if you look through those past years of resolutions, when did they ever vary much? why didnt they vary?

ha, now i got your attention.

first you got to ask yourself why you never did live up to them.

i never liked framing myself to those resolutions because i believe in being adaptive to the things around me. circumstances change people, and theres no way you can resist circumstances. why restrict yourself to a list when you could seek self development in other areas?

yearly resolution is not my thing. but that doesnt mean that i dont set directions for myself. if i've to put it this way, i wake up every morning with a new set of resolutions and every night i reflect. because i know change is the only constant. sounds cheesy? not quite really. since we cant predict the things that will happen in a year, why dont we concentrate on reflecting upon yesterday, living today to the fullest so that you wont have to regret the coming tomorrow. perhaps this will make you a better sailor in life.

why restrict your direction in life to outdated resolutions.
success is for those people who can adapt to circumstances. for those who can recognise and grab hard to come by chances. learn and relearn. plan and replan.

i'm not trying to force my thinking on you, i'm just sharing my two cents worth.

till someone who is willing comes by...

爱不是强求
love is freewill

很多人常说，如果我和莫莫有缘，我们有一天一定会再遇见对方，再爱上彼此。但有位长者曾对我说过，缘是天定，份是人为。缘让我们相遇，但有没有结果（份）必须自己掌握。有缘不懂得把握是可惜。缘来了一次，错失了就不见得会来第二次。

很多时候爱情来的不是时候：你要它 它不来，不要它 它却一个接着一个来。我们掌握不了时间，掌握不了“天定”，但我们必须学会如何把握机会，把握对的人。
对的人并不一定会出现在对的时间。扭扭捏捏，拿不定主意只会让机会溜走。
有人说真爱是值的等待，但是你有没有想过真爱到底要怎么去辨认？说不定你这一生中已经错失了好多真爱。真爱也可能并不是你想象的那样：我要爱的时候，如果有人出现，那他一定就是那个对的人。

这么多的不确定，只有尝试了才会知道。不要让自己的执著成了绊脚石。不要带着后悔过日子。


缘是天定，份是人为。
爱情来了就是来了，有什么好逃避？

it's time for some under the sea photos!












i really really cant stop laughing at the 6th photo because jia yinn looks SOOO FUNNY in it. WHAHAHaHAHA.

I havent sleep at all since friday morning.

i might have outplayed the cranky professor or i may have lost in this mind game. he hasnt made any move since I last played my pawns. let the matter rest, please.

this is us at prawning.
the process is a cruel one but it's the experience thats enriching.










prawn lovers, you really have to try prawning to get the fattest, the freshest and the biggest and the juiciest prawns. satisfy those picky taste buds.

dined with my mom and had a spread of macau dishes from crystal jade. i love food.

with the belly filled, it's about time to sleep.

there must be a reason why all the bad things happen together. but i wont spend the time dwelling upon it because i always believe that problems are meant to be delt with and not the other way round.

when i first heard about my ex teacher's death i was indifferent. it was until i went for her wake this afternoon when her death struck me bad.
this is how fragile life can get.

and a close friend of mine is also going through a rough time right now

school issue. i've 3 identities. dealing with 35 individuals. i'm like an elastic band that everyone is tugging on. dont they know that rubber band can snap?

enough said.

my academic life has just met with something extremely troubling yesterday. this is way beyond a test of my own integrity. now everyone thinks that i'm the silly person who have caused this stir but well in actual fact it really isnt me. nevermind i can be that silly person. one day, eventually, those 30 pairs of eyes will forget who this "silly" person is. will they ever (not judge me)? will they ever?

i feel sooo weighed down shielding the whole chain of strangers behind this conspiracy. honestly, do i really have to?




this isnt my week with all the stupid hiccups. the only comforting thing is that judging from my own track record, there couldnt possibly be anything out there that i cant handle.

oh thats it love,
forget those selfish ideas no one shares your load
oh thats it love,
pick your armor be independent all over again

days like these you just wish to have someone there who can walk beside you and assure you. i'm not looking for someone to solve the problems that i'm capable of solving them my own. it's just the companion and the comfort that i need.
most of you understand, dont you?

i decided i should keep a distance from fire before it burns me.

this is redang. ok i used some canon stitch tool and ta-da, i've no idea why it's so tiny.

and as per yuk's request, the photos are left in their actual sizes, individually packed.







more photos to come!
i'm going prawning this saturday. so exciting.

finally the photos from eugene's birthday.

what are the chances that you reach home at say 9pm with a stomach still empty and you see your favourite stall at the coffee shop opposite your house still open. you happily da-bao your dinner.
your stomach is now growling with even more excitement. you take the lift, stand outside your door and start digging for your keys.

no keys.

back pocket
front pocket
still no keys.

out of desperation, you ring up your parents to find that they are in the middle of a talk.
'we will be back at 12 plus', they say.

you sit at the steps, barely finishing your dinner because it doesnt taste as nice anymore, and start to rot outside your own house hoping that someone could be there beside you so you dont have to be all alone.

you've 2 presentations and 1 quiz the following day but all you can do is to sit there and stone. silently wishing that someone could be there beside you so you dont have to feel so sorry for yourself.


thats self stupidity i can laugh over next time.

i guess seeing someone appearing at your steps just because that someone didnt want you to be there alone is such a romantic thing. and i can only fantasize about it.

since the time my previous blog crashed (feb 06), i've been to the following parts of the globe:

July 06
chengdu

Dec 06
penang
kuala lumpur

Mar o7
sydney
brisbane
gold coast
canberra

May o7
taman negara

July o7
beijing
shanghai
su zhou
hang zhou
yang zhou

Sept o7
terengganu
redang

looks like a pretty long list for a year and a half. everytime i part i'll leave behind a photo with the heading on a new adventure.
this time, i'm leaving you with 小顺. (小顺 is a character i came up with in may and i used to draw a lot of him back then cos he only takes me on an average 2 mins.)
i hope you guys missed him as well.

anyway flo and i always manage to get something for free when we dine together. tonight, we paid only $19.30 for the $40 worth of food we ate because they made a mistake in their billing.
serve them right.

bye! i'll be back on monday with pretty photos.

*edit
see below for thurs' lunch meetup.
eugene, happy birthday in advance!

great, the school's wireless refuse to upload the picures. i'll try again later

numbers are going to run after me tonight. i'm going ding dong!

stress is compounded. exponentially. fancy me learning how to use calculator of a new type. i'll whip out my cool weapon and with that smirk on my face sit side by side those bankers who try to cheat me. think i dont know huh. muahahaha.

ding dong
someone at the door?

4 days later i will be at redang enjoying the island breeze and clear water. i hope the place is half as nice as it looked on photos and not just some tourism gimmicks. plus, we have to worry about drunk/high on drugs drivers. and then our quizes and midterms and presentations and assignments and projects.. the worst bit: we counted the days and great, period.

i went out with the boy today who, strange enough, thinks that i've hurt him more than he unto me. i wont know. maybe i did. i had my fair share as well (i still dont know if i'm over it). but we're cool now, in case you're still speculating you can save the trouble, 'cos we're both forgiving people. if you happen to belong to the group who understands what i'm talking about (if not, you can simply ignore this whole paragraph), i would really appreciate it if you can hold yourselves back and not question him.
thats basically the only thing i can to do for him. to save him from the unnecessary aftermath-stress.


some reminders to myself:
1) watch cashflow (in a bi-way)
2) create value
3) be patient, be extremely extremely patient.

the photos look slightly blurred in their scaled down size. if it's a try-hard-to-keep-focused-but-keep-getting-distracted weekend for you as well, you might want to spend a little bit of time clicking on them.

this is lorong buangkok. i went there with fur and *idiotic nel and the rest of the smu people.
i was there with dawn on the first january this year. and again if you're so free, you might want to check out my archive. apparently some people love keeping track of my life like a little stalker. lol.




*nel is a 20 year old boy who doesnt want to grow up. and he loves eating chocolates so much that he finished 2 bars of chocolates in what, 10 mins is it? and he finished the mentos, anderson's ice cream in split seconds as well. he's such a sweet tooth and he reminds me of peter pan. and he helped me carry that laptop for one whole day.
fur is his mushroom head girlfriend who mistook the after-bite stickers as those that actually keep the mosquitoes away. she spent $9 on that useless thing. they're my very good friends. and i havent seen them around much ever since that mushroom head moved to pasir ris.



and this is the one and only, very happy mosquito patch. cos its on me. ;)

dont ask me about those pores because this isnt my hand. anyway you should be amazed by how microscopic the snail is and not how huge the pores are if you allow me to lead you to the right direction.

little mischieves topping my list:
1) friday stayover
2) photo shoot at lorong buangkok on saturday
3) draw something and anything on the roll of wrapping paper i stole from ikea. and then paste them everywhere and anywhere on those hostel walls
4) call jian guang a few more times just to piss him off
5) demand for a picnic
6) demand for companion

i feel like a bitch inside; it just feel good that i dont have to be reasonably nice all the time. does it really?

8 more days to getaway.



this is so not me.

i went out a lot these days. but the more i want to blog about it the more frustrated i get. so yea. i guess i want to cut my hair shorter. and then make peace with myself.

ps. there's this guy (whom i dont know) told me that it's his birthday today. so i had to wish a stranger happy birthday because why, he "requested" for it. cant strangers get any stranger?

in my attempt to find myself in worst states. i just felt like posting ugly photos of myself.

this is called beggar me.

ok, i too have no idea why i looked so happy being one. i guessing it's the suitcase and the idea of basking which i honestly dont mind doing just to fund my travel(s).

current state of being:
1) rediscovering the world that i've for-a-moment forgotten. i guess i was too caught up in my mixed fantasy.
2) leaving the idle self behind and make attempts at getting more involved with an even high level of self discovery. that includes babysitting.
3) picking up a new hobby of noise and fusion.
4) rejecting distractions
5) finding a partner who understands the above 4 pointers (i guess this is the hardest of all)

to most people, none of the above made sense.
anyway, your takeaway for today is, Steve Irwin left us exactly a year ago..

i think toshiba notebooks have crazy supernatural powers to suck wireless connection.
or the school population is halved on mondays.

scents are therapeutic.

last night the twin brothers' parents invited (bugged would be a more appropriate word) me over for dinner. and i finished half a carton of tiger with their father. i'm a social drinker not an alcoholic. i know my limits. while half of me just wanted to drink those recent memories away.

when you're down, the only way is up. so HAHA i'm feeling better every single day.

i'm moodless for everything and all i want is to move my ass back to hostel tonight though it's really the most unnecessary thing to do.

after 3 days i finally had a (not good enough) cry over it.

if you really treasured and loved a friend, you wouldnt have crossed those borders and made him/her suffer like i did (and still on heated pans). even if i had 10 (butter)flies swarming around me i wouldnt have given a single of them the slightest chance to rest on me if i didnt adore them at all. and if by any chance i unintentionally let one on me, or the fly made a forced landing that i didnt have the time to resist, i dont think i would have smacked it off me so heartlessly. i would have gone soft on it and showed it the other possibilities. afterall i'm in a stronger position over the fly given my size and the affection it has for me.
with great power comes great responsibility. sadly not everyone understands that.

maybe i really speak codes sometimes but alls left in these rubble of alphabets is how you choose to decode them yourselves. i cant decide for you how you want to read my tone my awkward methods. as on my part, i never want to come clean.
i'm an equally confused person.

i had no idea how much (...) but does it matter anymore?
all i want is the weeks to end as i repeat the cycles of going school and coming home. and then act like nothing happened front faces.

i keep asking myself the same question. does it matter anymore.
but even if it does, so what.



why were you so cruel.