after 11am tomorrow i'll have one less thing to think about.

it's been more than 48 hours my heart's pumping at this rate. honestly, i've no mood to hold any conversations at all. but i'll try my best to face people with smiles.

dont talk to me about my problems. i really appreciate it but i dont think talking about them helps at all.

for many reasons.

nothing in this world belongs to me and i'm very aware of that. i'm living everyday of my life fully prepared to lose everything. my phone, my internet, my room. nothing ever belonged to me because i'm in a place i dont belong. so stop all threatening, it's not working. i'm all prepared for that one fine night wheere i wouldnt even have a place to sleep at. and thats fine. because i've been through that over and over again. cutting off my lines, getting kicked out, locked out, sleeping outdoors.

experiences have taught me never to rely on anyone, again and again. or rather, just you. people earn my respect and my trust. you lost them. long time.

it doesnt even matter if you threaten to break the bond. not like i cannot find someone else to be my guardian.
i'm so affected this time round. REALLY hurt by how fragile this people-to-people-relationship thing is. after all these 13 years of "being family"?
when my life breaks down, i know i can piece them all back together again. it's no big deal. ive been through over and over again. and i've survived and am stronger each time and everytime.

why cant i have a proper shelter, somewhere i can call home. somewhere just my mom and i. thats really all i'm asking for. sometimes i really wonder why life is so unfair. what have i done wrong in my life? why dont i deserve to be loved by a father?

i have to make a home. i'll build it. with my own hands.

i've always been against divorce and breakups because i thought, or rather have stupidly assumed, that everyone out there is self monitoring. i thought humans are angels. i've always lived by 'if you're having problems, you probably aint trying hard enough'. but when i reealised that there are indeed people, who i thought didnt exist, who are absolutely self serving, divorce and breakups may be the best way out. they are pulling each other down, and dragging others along with them as well. relationships like those destructive.

the pitiful ones aint them, but the ones that they dragged down.

though i've never been married, i've been through multiple cracks, a divorce, more cracks and i'm about to go through my second divorce. it just makes me doubt this whole people-love-each-other-shit even more. love is nothing but just an excuse for companionship and comfort. when the reliance and the dependence's no longer what the other party is looking for, you tell me where'd love gone to.

it's going to be easy for me. i just hope she makes it through.

things will still work out fine with just the right people. i'm still holding on to my last bit of faith.
where's light. light is always there. all you have to is to search within.
life at cross roads
you'll guide yourself to what you deem is right.

and i'll go on to treasure every life's turning point.

i'll be sitting for my macro paper in 2 and a half hours time. last night my house was suddenly cut off from electricity because i tried switching on too many appliances at one time. i did all that i could to get the electricity back but nothing worked so i went to bed instead of doing my revision. i know all the concepts in words, lets pray hard that she tests nothing too mathetical, OR I WILL JUST DIE AND GET A DISGUSTING F on my transcript. i dont know my math, and i'm not attempting to memorise any equations at all. so good luck to me.

GAH. i sound really STUPID. HAHAHAHA.

7-day battle started when the four zeros danced in unison. my enemies are all waiting. i cant believe i'm actually going to bed right now.

i hope our army's food supply is lasting, and my soldiers are apt enough to fight the harsh condition of darkness and extreme cold. first battle's scheduled at 5pm. what a timing.

it'll be a long one.

$20 on hawker food all by myself. i did nothing last evening but just eat. and my mom just sat there and watched the food disappear. into my stomach. then i passed out.

today's the end of me. sayonara.

shit. i'm laughing into my book way too much.

the book is trying to explain section 14(3) of Sales of Goods Act which provides that ...if the buyer expressly or by implication makes known to the seller any particular purpose for which the goods are being bought, there is an implied term that the goods must be reasonably fit for that purpose.

and the author explains, "For instance, if X is buying food from a shop, he does not have to expressly state that it has to be fit to be eaten."

HAHAHAHA.

please tell me it's funny.

i'm so digusted with friendster that i deleted my entire account.

80% because of the disgusting messages i didnt know i've been getting.
20% because it's just not my way of staying "in contact" with friends.
you want to know how your friends are doing? give them calls. interact in person! let them know that you've been thinking of them!
and not by secretly browsing through their profiles/pictures and giving yourself the false impression that you know how much they've changed, or not changed. or worse, think you know someone you've never met in person before. it's voyeurism. (not like blog reading isnt. thats why sensible people acknowledge that they've been there by tagging/discussing about your entries in person) and please, i'm not targetting at anyone so please dont be overly sensitive and cry to your mommy that big fat yuan has just kicked you in your ass.

you have your rights to disagree.

in circumstances like this, i quit technology and technology quits me. like i said, it's my way. everyone's different in that sense.


on a side note, 200 pounds beauty is nice. right, mr y?

the black took over today as well.

i feel kind of tortured. never in the physical sense of course. just that the texts do occasionally cause some kind of mental distress and that 'knowledge" is forever abusing me.
only crazy people award them with physical forms.

my stomach gives out cries of hunger throughout the day. i wonder if it's the metabolism or just my excuse to stay away from books.

shouldnt be complaining at all.

emotions arent that hard to read.

someone on my block started out fiddle. lets see when he calls for quits.

blood blisters.

ack. the night got black.

you know what it means to be a geek?

by dictionary.com, a geek is defined as a carnival performer whose show consists of bizarre acts, such as biting the head off a live chicken.


how gross can geeks get.
like, in books 8-12,
and aiming 5.0.






i'm a geek.
8-)



i want a baby bunny because i can do a show by biting its head off.

and this baby
does look like a bunny.




all the best to those ntu peeps with papers tomorrow!

i'll kick start naked. all over again.

bed's still not calling, neither my books. so i went on to look through my photos, especially the malaysia ones and realised how much things changed (shocks) and how eventually everything shifted back to the equilibrium (the medium run). i understand now. friends love each other.

you cant escape me in photos.

more passion, more drive, a little more of everything and a little less sleep.
it's about time for another radical change. i'm just 15 days away.

i can make you feel special.

maybe being special scares you.
but it's not supposed to be that way.

it's all about the finer side of life.

wahahaha. i'm done! i'm done! :)

i'm now a VBA programmer. like how exciting.
my empty stomach hasnt gotten any since morning. it's 5:48pm now and it's time for my first meal. i hope i dont faint on the road.

i still remember those cute days.

half of my design's out.
this afternoon anand commented on how my design's extremely complicated. and cute because of the way i made my numbers run.

i'll cut the details. it saves us all time.

out for supper.

grrr.
now it's microsoft office's turn. i can no longer open my excel file.
boo to VBA!

it might be a conspiracy. like, someone's trying to put me to bed.
oh yes, i'm very driven so i dont need hiccups like these. they only make me more powerful! muahahah

5 bet y64 cant dec5-her th5s. 5f y64 can, y64're ha3f a gen54s. s6 5 g5ve y64 6ne day t6 d6 5t.

than2s t6 VBA, 0y 2eyb6ard 5s ser564s3y screwed. F4C2! 5'0 6n3y 3 days away fr60 0y -r61ect s4b05ss56n and 5 get th5s 25nd 6f sh5t. 5t d6esnt he3- when y64r -r61ect gr64- 0ates are ent5re3y re3y5ng 6n y64 f6r the s634t56n.

5 d6nt even 2n6w a sh5t ab64t whats g65ng t6 be tested f6r the 4-c605ng exa0s.

f4c2

*Edit
Brilliant fur found someone with the same problem
AM having problems with Keyboard with my laptop

can someone please help me ..........my key board types different letters if i hit like letter "M" i get letter "O" "K" brings figure "2" instead .... AND

i - 5
j - 1
k - 2
l - 3
m - 0(zero)
o - 6
p - *
u - 4
o - 6

CAN SAMEONE TELL ME IF I CAN fix this on my own

THANK YOU

and tada! my problem is solved. i love fur.

you know, i had another dream last night. it was something along the line of getting married to a childhood sweetheart with only a name, a body and no face. why even dreams grow up.

but i'm kind of looking forward to the day i can deface this facade of independence altogether and for once rely on someone and be taken care of.

from dreammoods,

To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met,
is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It
represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance
between your aggressive side and emotional side.

at the moment i just have to be strong.

a quarter of me just disappeared.

i havent exactly been sleeping but when i am, i've dreams about you all the time. so i choose to stay awake, and surround myself with delightful companionship, before i slumber the remaining night away. i see you in my dreams too much. i dont dare to talk to you anymore.

dreams are but just dreams.

the halves of me dont coexist, but i want them one piece.

jack aspired to grow the best fruits, but he took no efforts to negotiate with his plants and seeds. at the end of each season, jack was still but one of the better do-ers in his little town. just so because the other poor fellows never did discover the proper art of growing fruit trees. they cheered jack, they wowed jack. but he was never quite happy. jack knew that he could do better. he only had to try a little harder, but nothing was done about that. so things stayed the same season after season, till jack raised a little bit of money and had the chance to take a look at what was outside his little own town.

in Armsterdon, they had angry looking machines, those that jack did dream of owning almost 2 years ago. the fruits were fresh, there were tonnes of variety and they had those delicious tasting things packed. "To Phadisville", read every sticker on the boxes stacked. Jack had what he's looking at conceptualized years ago back in his little town, but he had never taken on the efforts to materialise them.

back in his little town, jack made a pact with himself. in less than half the amount of time the planters Armsterdon took, he was to reach the same scale. jack was a smart man, and he knew that. he told me about the pact and shared with me his great ideas. i was impressed. i havnt seen jack in ages, but i've seen some of his great ideas that he shared with me in the market many years later. was it jack who had made what seemed impossible possible? i hope it's him. he had such great potentials and he could have achieved great things...

snooze is my best friend, and at times my worse enemy.

05/04/2007
00:00:35
plate and the crumbling crisps
actually ar im not yangyuan

plate and the crumbling crisps
im florence la

plate and the crumbling crisps
hahaha

plate and the crumbling crisps
so hard to pretend tt im yuan

plate and the crumbling crisps
hahaha

little red
-_-"

little red
i tot you were yuan

plate and the crumbling crisps
but she knows

plate and the crumbling crisps
haha

little red
yuan talks in a very stone tone one

plate and the crumbling crisps
she beside me

little red
Ahahahahaha

little red
then got use words like ar

little red
ya

little red
isit

little red
hahahahahaha

plate and the crumbling crisps
i know she will say em

plate and the crumbling crisps
haha

little red
and also always use this hahaha

plate and the crumbling crisps
erm

little red
the funny icon thingy




and i always sound like i'm sleeping/sick/in pain over the phone.

i used to be clocking more than 12 hours of sleep per day and now it's down to 3.

there's still a shirt to paint.

why cant i.

because of ballet yesterday (i couldnt turn up for their rehersal), i had to, in a way, turn chris down and ask him to find someone else instead. which he did, but he insists to at least put me on standby.

if i call you on the day itself, you just come down okay. you no need to practise one la. just do sight read.

jia lat. he always think i'm a giant or something.

in the middle of my affair with my bed, christ rang me up and asked me to play for the arts house for their opening of their art gallery on the 5th. the deal is good. $100 + some transport allowance for just an hour of play.

the minus point: i'm supposed to play grade 1 to 3 pieces with 3 guys.
where's the kick.

another immigration stamp was added to my passport today!
i had this really self satisfying 3-hour-runaway to johor bahru early afternoon. believe it or not, it was for a project. taking the 950 to woodlands checkpoint, passing through the customs and going up and down the buses, queuing up with primitive people all alone was another experience altogether. i kind of liked that.

for this holiday,
taman negara is decided. i'm going from the 4th to the 8th.
AND, over dinner just now, i casually dropped the question of going to china and wholla! my mom said, go ahead.
i'm smiling, to my computer screen right now. :) i think i look stupid.
OH YES!!

i really really cant wait to go 苏州，杭州，上海， 北京， 四川。and for how long, it's at my own discretion. 1 month, 2 months, 3 months? till i get sick of the place.

and i'll never be.



because i said so.
is such a oh so sweet show. you got to watch it. ah paul and i loved it.