this is such a struggle. im trying very hard to feel better bout leaving. im going back not knowing whether i would be enjoying myself at all since they've specifically told me that no one's going to be taking me to anywhere. that doesnt sound too welcoming. honestly, was a little taken-aback. how can i not be welcomed? one hand, i'm growing way too tired staring at metals and concretes and surely bringing myself to another city is not exactly very enticing. i flickr-ed (searched the flickr. yea, thats my favorite past time these days) sichuan and gosh, there are so many fucking gorgeous places just a little drive out of the city. the thought is so tempting; money is always secondary, but have i mustered enough courage to finally finally finally travel alone? staying at shabby hotels (are they even hotels) alone? enough muscles to carry my own bag pack worth of clothings? i really wished there's just someone who could do all these together with me. 

sometimes i find myself ridiculous too. putting things behind to risk my life taking a pathetically small plane, exhausting my bank balances by occasionally doing reckless stunts like this. and then reality, the society tries to leash you back. and your attachments towards certain individuals and this and that.  

thats quite beside the point. the fact is that i'm leaving on saturday night. whatever i do there is an absolute question mark. no, not really. i totally could decide for myself how i want it to be. just that, am i brave enough.