plate and the crumbling crisps

2011-08-11T11:03:00.000+08:00

to be a better person.

2011-08-11T09:41:00.003+08:00

am typing this on my new laptop from my temporary work place. it's strange how one can feel fitted-in one day and out of place again the other. im currently in the latter now. i know i shouldnt put the blame on the location of my isolated cubicle but i want to join in the rest and have a good laugh too. awkward.

2011-07-12T16:31:00.003+08:00

it's been awhile since my last post on job search. yesterday, i've received an reply email from one of the position i've applied for. needless to say, i was rejected. no, i wasn't rejected. my resume was. i know rejection is part and parcel of job search but, to be rejected for a position i think i'm truely suited for punctured my confidence. i start to worry if my other applications, which i didn't think fit me as well, would even bother to send a pre-scripted, no-reply email telling me that my application has not been successful.

it feels terrible. not because of the rejection per se, but rather i'm once again faced with my most feared "not-knowing": why or how did that happen. if i had been given the chance for an interview and the outcome still turn out to be an unfavorable one, at least i know someone must have fared better. so yea, go buck up your interview skills or what not. but now, it's a blank. unknown. you're not sure if it's your photo or your meagre cap point or your nationality or others you probably can't do much about. (oh yes, no matter how much they try not to discriminate, people still do!) or, maybe i really didn't fit the job scope as much as i personally thought but if i'm not told or have nothing to benchmark myself against, how do i know what/how i need to improve?

for a week or two, it sure did feel great to be able to take this period to do whatever i want (and feeling hopeful about the job search) but now the bracket is out, i'm beginning to feel the ticking of the clock. with many others are jumping in to help you, i'm really feeling the need to find a job real soon. the pressure is making me scream GIVE ME A JOB ALREADY!

all that said, it's time i pick myself up and find myself a good job! wish me all the best!

2011-07-01T00:13:00.004+08:00

do you remember when you were a teenager, how fast you anger at your parents' sickening desire to tear open and devour your letters or diaries. they often claimed that it's an honest mistake. bullshit. whatever it was, not that we had something to hide, we just didnt like our privacy poked into.

so as we grow up, fall in love and become parents ourselves, why are we too burning with desire to pry into our loved ones' life? they said it's prevention. preventing your partners from cheating and your children from going astray. i dont know whats right whats wrong and there's no point dwelling about that.

but you know what, i thought about it and i must say that part of the problem is the lack of communication. if i'd lived in a family where open discussion is encourged, i'd told my mom about my views towards drugs, sex, and my friends' views about them. but in most families, telling your parents anything is like asking for a verdict you never needed.

you say, 'i think this guy in my class is cute'
your mom says, 'he is the last in class and have horrible fashion sense. he's bad influence. you are too young for a relationship. stay away from him.'
your dad says, 'i'll spank him the next time i see you talking to him!'

would you ever tell your parents about your crushes ever again?
so don't ever blame your kids for not telling you anything. it's precisely this lack of communication that leads parents into prying their kids' privacy. and this stirs the rebel in the kid and it just keep getting worse.

if we can identify with the kids above, why don't we apply that to our relationships. afterall, open and willing communication builds the most trust.

2011-06-27T22:52:00.002+08:00

no replies so far to the job applications i've sent out. this resume flooding tactic is like blindly shooting darts and hoping that one might somehow graze the corners and land yourself in a job that you may not even like. i'm not an earnest job seeker but i'm beginning to feel embarrassed being unemployed. that's only stage one.
stage two: you receive critism about your company choice.
stage three: everyone seem to be earning more than your meagre pay cheque.

in sum, endless scrutiny and pressure.

how can we escape having our worth judged upon our job titles and wealth?

2011-06-23T01:35:00.002+08:00

can a travel journalist travels and not write? or an office lady reports and knocks off from work as and when she likes?

i'm done with school; done with my grad trip(S) - both of them; now i'm finally unemployed, jobless, penniless. it strikes me that i have problems deciding on a career path precisely because i don't read enough. oh lord, let's get started.

2011-02-15T00:46:00.005+08:00

2011-02-09T01:41:00.001+08:00

it's going 2 in the morning, i'm feeling introspective.

2010-12-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

i didnt know that time has changed so much that being upset/angry over someone/something is all your own fault.

i am an idiot. crazy. angry. unreasonable. bastard. absolutely nothing to do with you.

2010-12-18T11:13:00.002+08:00

why is it that even though i know what's the right way, i still go ahead with the wrong things. i feel so tired, tired of rebelling. all it ends with is war within myself, and yet nothing come across.

why am i holding to it. but why should i give. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

2010-11-29T20:23:00.001+08:00

if you must put a name to this, let us call this an resolution.

2010-11-27T21:43:00.002+08:00

there was a time, when we held hands, i felt a purposeful man

2010-11-26T01:00:00.002+08:00

i'm more aware of my silly pathetic attitude towards life and selfish desire to protect myself.

but how can we subconsiously change that?
loving oneself and selfishness, wheres the distinction?

2010-10-07T13:38:00.003+08:00

insensitivity, violence, lies, disagreements ... love even has to withstand the test of time. i've heard stories of friends' or friends of friends who broke up, patched up, still in the midst of negotiating time-out sessions, why is it that some people could bear with their partners' misgivings while onlookers gloatingly place their bets over dinner talks?

equally disturbed by my own nightmares last night of my beloved walking out on me when everyone else was against me, and on a separate occasion, exploring "friendship" with my girl friend. i could remember the anger which quickly turned to the oh so familiar sinking in your stomach that even after perhaps 8 hours later, i'm still feeling it. goodness, it;s just a dream. precisely unsettling because i caused our day to end on a bad note before i slept. call it fear or enlightenment, i know i need to show more appreciation to a man whom would never do my nightmare on me.

but back to the many stories, i cant help but to ask 'whats the last straw for these girls?'. i hope i never have to find out what is mine.

2010-10-06T22:26:00.002+08:00

like a coin, there's always two sides to an argument. im unsure if it's a gift of blessing to have the ability to see the two sides. instanteously. it's an internal turmoil.
is understanding the other point of view, and ultimately giving in knowing that you are half at fault, necessarily mean that you give up fighting for what you believed in? or is there a meet-me-at-some-point just like everything else in this world?

so where is that. go figure.

2010-10-04T12:40:00.002+08:00

An hour later after leaving a few packs of nibbles i brought back from my travel on my colleagues' table, she came to me and asked, 'what are these?'

'tofu. tao gua.'

'i don't eat these. the smell of it gives me headache', and she shoved them back to me.

'the toilets there are so smelly and dark. you know made of stones, no doors ..' and she went on describing with a face of digust

'is it? now they have made-shift toilets which are quite clear. when was the last time you been there?', i asked

'2 years ago'

talking about change..

'so how much was your trip there?'

'we spent about 900.'

'thats very expensive!'

'yup because we stayed at *** *** **** **** which cost us $400++ per night. if not it wouldnt have cost us so much'

'oh. i think i also stayed there the other time'

'really? the one with glass ceilings and walls right?

'.............'

if i didnt, i wouldnt say i did.

does it matter if you are or not more superior than anyone else/can or cannot match up to someone else? at the end of it, who cares...there's always someone else who flies a private jet when you go on first class and stays in president suite of the hotel you pinched pennies for.

Weight Loss Program Day 5
this has to be started because i've gained 7kg over the course of one year where i persistently ignored the fact that i'm having problems buckering my pants, buying bigger size shirts and still ingest more and more sugar.

so for the sake of looking and feeling better, i've decided to pen this down so i can keep track of my own performance.

i'm now on my 5th day. feeling better about myself but am not encouraged by the numbers the weighing machine decided to scare me - good grief, im still 59kg. (the heaviest i've ever been) i'm probably 120-130% for my height.

my bf is giving me kind encouragement for what i've been trying out so far..so as long as i continue this way, it's only a matter of time i hit a healthy 48.

breakfast i had a cup of replacement meal + a piece of luncheon meat
lunch, a filling salad
havent snack since then, no sugared drinks just plain water.
i'll update on dinner later.

i only managed one round my neighbourhood + 3 rounds interval training + some arm lifts the other day. today, I will try for 2 rounds...

2010-09-30T10:20:00.004+08:00

sometimes you make a revisit not because you particularly enjoy being at certain places, it could well be a strong dislike for being everywhere else within vicinity, or worse, you ran out of ideas.

how could anyone run out of ideas? but strangely, it happens all the time. because we stop exploring the possibility of new things, which dont have to be new-to-the world things, but just new-to-us things.

So why is that people as they age gradually stop asking who when what how why? Is this a natural thing to ensure human survival (we still dont know if knowing too much cause us our life) just like how children are born to pick up on whats dangerous and whats not just so they wont risk their own silly lives chewing on moth balls when you precisely told them not to? So why do we stop learning things beyond what ensures our survival? Why did that knowledge attainment curve slow down when there are infinite amount of things that we dont know? or did we just give up because we know what it isn't possible for us to attain that infinite amount in our life time? or were we made this way to ensure that there's no superior one-of-us who would ever ever know everything about this universe. or is this a limiting factor (another more obvious, age) carefully crafted to control the speed at which human civilisation develops?

we don't know, so we stopped asking.

2010-08-31T01:19:00.003+08:00

should we push ourselves harder?

2010-08-26T01:00:00.003+08:00

counting down 23 days to sharing my surreal second life with my special one.

im finding it hard to ignore how significant this is, to me. i cant wait to show you the snippets of my life i know of - the places i've been to, the food i love, and the family - and the parts that i'm unfamiliar with - the places i've been to that ever change so often, the house i barely sleep in and the people i only talk to a few times every several years. so my point is, how do i even share the life i'm so out of touch with, so disillusional, so.... i don't even know how i feel about that life that flickers once in a while so how am i suppose to tell..

so let's put it this way, i'm discovering my other life together with you. and so now we share not just our everyday life but another which we together call an escapade..

2010-08-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

too much

2010-07-17T12:47:00.000+08:00

when did the sky start pouring?

in the middle of the night

i was woken by the cold and it left me with nothing but stabbing pain in my chest. it suddenly dawn upon me that there's nothing to look forward to the next day. or the next. or the next.

i want to be **** *** so badly.

what happened to the *** who held on to me so tighly, asking me to never ***** ***

2010-07-16T00:57:00.002+08:00

hush my baby dont cry..is everything alright?

i just want to crash into your arms for a moment and weep like a child.
we can make life good again, can't we?

2010-05-05T11:25:00.003+08:00

i came to this conclusion that everything in life is unreal until you choose to believe it. the mind is a scary thing. now, even the statement before is real just because i choose to think of it that way. the mind is such a scary thing. and its just based on your own perceptions, experiences or from the people around you. how small a circle is that. the mind is a scary thing, it's scary even to think.

2010-04-09T00:48:00.002+08:00

im fine with insects as long i dont feel threatened. so im 'rearing' this spider on my desk, right in front of my laptop so i can look at how it spins its web and what it does with his loot. last week was an flying ant. tonight there's this tiny art. right now he's spinning the ant round and round, trying to mummify it. i suppose he has more than one web cos sometimes he disappears.

2010-03-24T23:26:00.002+08:00

is this a passing thing, or a tell-tale feeling.

2010-03-11T00:55:00.002+08:00

mean what you say, say what you mean. that's sincerity. that's words with actions.

2010-03-10T14:06:00.002+08:00

there's an exciting list of things to do

2010-03-09T22:00:00.003+08:00

it sucks to be alone.

2010-03-09T00:17:00.002+08:00

it's the experiences people share...

2010-02-14T16:16:00.001+08:00

year after year

2010-02-11T16:57:00.002+08:00

for the first time in 12 years, i actually went to read up on pre-menstrual syndrome, because i've been having crying spells for the past 2 days. i cry over everything, even over the fact that i find myself crying on crowded buses, and it's totally uncontrollable. honestly, i wasn't aware that i have this tendency to cry nearing my period, not until my man pointed that out. i always thought pms was only about feeling irritable and moody. but no, your hormones actually take over in many more ways than that:

These can include:

Mood swings

Irritability

Anxiety and tension

Bloating

Breast tenderness and swelling

Water retention

Acne

Tiredness

Weight gain

Headaches/migraines

Crying Spells

Depression

Sugar and food cravings

Constipation

Dizziness

Types of PMS

In order to make classification of PMS easier, Dr Guy Abraham in America, devised a system of categories for the different types of PMS symptoms. These fall into four categories

Type A - Anxiety

This category which is very common in up to 80% of women each cycle, includes those symptoms such as mood swings, irritability, anxiety and tension.

Type C - Cravings

This group includes cravings for sweets or chocolates, increased appetite, fatigue and headaches. Up to 60% of women can experience these kinds of symptoms leading up to the period.

Type H - Hyperhydration

Type H includes symptoms such as water retention, breast tenderness and enlargement, abdominal bloating and weight gain. Up to 40% of women can experience these changes.

Type D - Depression

Depression is the largest symptom in this group but it can also include confusion, forgetfulness, clumsiness, withdrawal, lack of co-ordination, crying spells, confusion. Only 5% of women experience these symptoms but these can be the most serious if the woman is verging on the point of being suicidal.

Many women will get symptoms from each Type during any one cycle. And for some women these symptoms can change from month to month, so they are not always experiencing exactly the same symptoms before each period.

that really explains why i cry over the littlest thing and feel so needy periodically. sigh. hormones. but at least we could see what we can do about it.

2010-02-11T00:58:00.004+08:00

because the things that bother you the most often appear as foolish emotional outbursts..

nothing's changed, endless vicious cycle and the lack of touch

2010-02-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

when you can't talk to anybody about how you feel..

2010-01-23T23:53:00.001+08:00

actions.

2010-01-04T23:36:00.002+08:00

whats the point of having a blog where you have nothing you want others to know.

2009-11-28T12:16:00.001+08:00

okay i think i really like his music and voice. just don't look at his face..it's really good stuff

2009-11-27T00:09:00.002+08:00

i've been thinking... if these 2 plus years had been so difficult, what makes me think that things would change say if i got what i think i want. the fact is there, come on just accept it. stop looking for excuses. stop all these nonsense. just leave it alone for awhile.

there wouldn't be regret on my part.

2009-11-25T10:18:00.003+08:00

when i was much younger and cuter, i had a lot of individuals who wanted to be my friends. they'd buy me those erasers, stickers, those mechanic pencils with something dangling on top (those were the so-called in things; and i always get into trouble with my stepdad because i always have so much of those in my bag everyday. he was angry cos he couldn't figure out how i got so much money to buy those things. the fact is that i don't, and he just wouldn't believe that those were all given to me.), wait for me at areas where i'd appear. some were more daring and straight forward. my jealous friends pushed these "pursuers" away and kept me away from their vicinity. but they try even harder.

it was cute. when we were kids, rejection seemed less of a scary thing.. all we want is to like a person, show them, tell them, spend time with them, and hope that they like you back. we were so much braver, so much better at showing love. where are we now?

or did we become less attractive.

2009-11-25T00:13:00.003+08:00

i missed 21 years of 28 nov, and never going to have the chance ever again.. im soo sorry..

2009-11-24T00:55:00.004+08:00

as you live through life, you take on more roles (be thankful). some bestowed, some fought for, some unexpected, others unknown. how many roles do you play? am one of those with the least number of roles. i wouldn't say thats lucky. it just reflects your life experiences and the stage you are at. isn't life just about that? i'm not going into how much control we have over the timing of acquiring those roles. it's too controversial. but one thing that won't do you bad is preparing yourself, so when the time comes, you're ready to take on the challenge and play those roles well.

and this is nothing more than a reminder to myself.

2009-11-18T17:11:00.001+08:00

everything's a bit too surreal that i keep forgetting my place

2009-11-17T20:19:00.001+08:00

2009-11-12T20:45:00.000+08:00

2009-11-09T23:48:00.002+08:00

yea. whatever. define good things.

2009-11-09T00:03:00.003+08:00

perceptions.

tomorrow, i will wake up fresh again. grab the opportunity, and work through it. fame is always very tempting. yes of course very tempting, and makes it hard for one to stay focus on the original intentions.. but lets go back to basics. i'll probably enjoy the process more.

i actually like the stage. how could i not.

2009-11-07T10:55:00.002+08:00

the last time i had a prolonged period of dreams about teeth dropping, my dad's health was unknowingly deteriorating on another side of the world and strangely, i never had dreams about it again since the day he past away. i don't believe in all these but don't you find it weird how it just fit in so coincidentally.

i have started having these dreams again. am scared.

2009-11-06T22:24:00.000+08:00

it feels good to lay in bed and not do anything, occasionally.

2009-11-02T01:02:00.002+08:00

counting down! 1 month and i'll go party too!

the luckiest thing about being part of my family is that, nobody is going to question you for wanting to learn. they encourage it and they support it. i was just commenting on the media school that was advertised on the tele, and mom actually encouraged me to sign up. she prolly won't take it too hard too if one day i tell her i want to do architecture. i'm so lucky.

2009-10-31T18:56:00.002+08:00

what do i want to be when i grow up?

i don't mind holding on to a stable office job for a few years just to get my house loan, car loan and whatever loans approved. so it's actually quite easy -- just get a job!
but what would i do for the rest of my life then. thats the difficult part. i realized i love to assemble things. i should have known earlier. as a kid, i could go on and on constructing my lego houses, cars, robots, jigsaw...even repairing correction tapes..until i get them fixed. then i moved on to bigger things, like furnitures and anything else that needs fixing. in general, i am good at putting things together, and i enjoy it. big things small things.
my mom was saying they have a department that makes models. i think thats the coolest job! i can't be a construction worker...i can't be a technician...what else can i do? how can i turn this into a viable business opportunity.

2009-10-31T12:10:00.000+08:00

yay!

2009-10-30T22:10:00.001+08:00

i've to let myself go

2009-10-30T00:11:00.002+08:00

there's some problem with their flight schedule and i'll have to deal with one extra day of emptiness and two death anniversaries alone. can't get any emptier.

happy birthday mom. but where are you.

2009-10-27T23:50:00.001+08:00

2009-10-26T00:58:00.003+08:00

being one of the only three persons in this world, i have terribly sinned to have forgotten the meaning of 24 October. I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON.

2009-10-19T02:28:00.002+08:00

just to let you know that i'm still alive. had been impossibly busy since last wednesday, and this will go on till wednesday morning before the last lap begins. my entertainment so far had been growing crops, playing plock and realizing that i'm extremely sucky at games that work around colors, and a bit of mouse clicking at capturing dragons. this will be all over soon.

2009-10-11T13:44:00.002+08:00

something is wrong if you're having your breakfast at 130pm in front of the computer on a sunday. the year 1-3s really have under-developed brains i dont blame them. i just miss those days that i had under-developed brains like theirs and could get away with it. i think we could still get away with it still, but i can't get past my own stage. i hope their brains grow. SOON!

2009-10-10T14:41:00.003+08:00

am so tickled by my prof's attempt at sounding articulate and gentle in the pre-recorded e-learning webcasts. everytime i clicked play, i had his face appearing in my mind and couldn't stop laughing because of the mismatch mental imageries and the voice i'm hearing --that i had to close it, and try again another time. this is fun! i love e-learning. haha

2009-10-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1156906877031

it's an art. really. im still thinking why it works and how it works.

2009-10-08T21:24:00.002+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=147605266705

sh shared this. and i just want my friends to see it too. it's damn bloody amazing. i think even a six year old kid can't follow steps as well.

2009-10-08T15:29:00.004+08:00

this is the 7th time life went on repeat, isn't it not enough? im so sick of it. sick of the fact that school really hasn't much to offer anymore, and the curriculum is nothing more than professors getting a easy way out by moulding not so brilliant workers of the future. projects, research, reports -- what are those anyway? for the first few years, fine, they teach you to work in a team, to structure to organize to inform to present. but after the 7 x5 times of training, isn't it about time you think whether you've already had enough of the so-called training? i'm not enjoying it. it's mundane. even the content, which is supposed to be changing, is revolving round the same thing. the marketing modules are just a pointless overlap of one another. the economics are becoming non-applicable. i don't deny that these fields have a lot of potential in research, and precisely the honors year education is nothing but to prepare you for the career of an academia. but when being an academia is not-getting-into-the-picture anymore, ive really started questioning myself whether the extra year of staying in school is going to be of any benefit at all. i'm just start to feel that i'm wasting my time, when i could waste my time by landing myself a office job which at least brings some money.
i'll finish my honors year definitely. it's all just about that additional semester and the major in economics which is restricting me in my choice of modules. dont get me wrong, school is good, i like school, it's just not delivering anymore. for me.

2009-10-05T01:28:00.002+08:00

it's how weird circumstances forces you back to the circle you try to break away from. maybe one day i would say, how lucky. or maybe, how unfortunate.

2009-10-03T01:34:00.001+08:00

it's you who gave it up.

2009-10-01T16:24:00.002+08:00

none of the words on the pages is getting into my head. you can forget about digesting equations. i'm having such severe cramps right now that i wonder if there isn't so much noise pollution in my upgrading neighborhood, would it be this bad. there's really no way to prepare for my paper tomorrow at all. im substituting revision with watching national geography. man, this cramps is really bad.

2009-09-27T21:57:00.002+08:00

i hate to admit this.
but im losing my marbles at handling the ambiguity. it's affecting me a lot, and i have no idea how to talk it out, and i can't, can i? why does it have to be so difficult.

2009-09-24T02:59:00.004+08:00

not everyone is articulate and comfortable with the english language. but the subtitles are worth a laugh. erm, was she too nervous or what. hahaha, it's south africa that this girl been sent to! but yea, why her...

salute her for being so brave!

2009-09-23T01:07:00.004+08:00

trivialities are not trivial. they are really sexy.

the brain is throbbing.

update: wow i spent 2 hours trying to sleep and eventually gave in to my exceptionally excited mind. that's how i shifted my ass from the bed to the chair to finish writing more than a third of the research that we were funded to do by NYC, and this is not even the top of the to-do list. I find it much more comfortable to be slowly building up on the report as you do the research, which is exactly what my group is not doing. typical students love to leave writing motivation, scope, purpose etc, after the data has been collected and analyzed. by then, all the mind's on coming up with conclusions to be bothered by those nonsense which isn't really nonsense back at the time you were thinking about them. i didn't want those things to become nonsense, and brain couldn't rest if i just let them float. so i finished it for the group. now it's 4:46am. i'm getting incoherent. byebye

2009-09-23T00:23:00.002+08:00

there's more to the birth chart. it explains a lot more things, and at the same time, it opens to a lot more room for not explaining anything precisely.

i'm becoming more mischievous day by day, but most of the time it's a mental state of being if i'm not brave enough to fully engage in the acts. it came late, but it teases me brains and excites me. i told mom of my several game plans and she laughed them off saying that i would end up detained, or worse, jailed. hahahah, but i think i would give some of the more harmless ones a go. you know, to answer to the bit of naughtiness that was strangely missing in me during the time it belonged.

time and distance are precisely the same thing. same strange concept bearing a different name. i was trying to garner more respect for time traveler's wife by throwing out the littlest bit of logic left in me. let's forget that the logic in it is weak (should we pardon it just because it's meant to fantasy? well, i've seen and read many more fantasies which actually made tremendous sense.), hm, but did it touch you? i don't know whether it's the directing or what, it made living-a-life-knowing what-life-has-for-you really bland, just like how knowing-what-is-coming made watching the movie a bit boring.

thirst was sex, a lot of sex, to the extent that i got a bit uncomfortable. very wicked. dark humor. quite intriguing. and yes, sex and a lot of it. i mentioned it, sex. why are korean actresses all so perfect.

why do i keep missing out on you.

2009-09-21T13:42:00.002+08:00

how come she's so pretty. how come she got such flawless milky white skin (that makes you want to lick like a milk ice cream - non full cream) and her full lips. nose and eyes. how can anyone be so perfect. how come ar.

2009-09-20T14:52:00.004+08:00

2009-09-19T20:54:00.002+08:00

i miss so much little things we did. even bird catching

2009-09-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

when you're not attending classes, you should be studying, revising, thinking. so when people ask you if you are free, what should you say? so many of my friends have started working, and to them, after work hours mean you-better-forget-work-and-start-playing. that's the difference. i wonder how long i could handle this difference before going mad.

totally hate that everything's due on the same day. I am just desperately looking forward to the end of wednesday, though it's yet another beginning to yet another rat race.
well recently, there's a lot of avoidance-avoidance decision making. so life seems bleak. for now.

okok, it's been 10am-11pm, and still going on on an non official school day

2009-09-13T00:37:00.004+08:00

distance is such a strange concept. potentially painful. especially types that you cant quantify. and the differing define of tolerable distance amongst individuals in different situations makes it even harder to communicate. and so it hurts. really badly.

nobody taught us how to manage it.

2009-09-12T00:19:00.002+08:00

let's just forget that this is a commercial and agree that the story is sweet. that knowing someone is right the moment you set your eyes on him/her.

2009-09-11T00:05:00.002+08:00

"...not only manufactures PCs costing $2000 or more that double as home entertainment centers, but also simple machines costing a few hundred dollars for poorer families who want their children to be computer literate." I just read this, and felt disturbed. i've been very concerned about several issues along this line lately...more than normal.

actually, to add to the previous post, i think in any relationship, it doesn't really matter how different you are, as long as you share the same general goals/moving in the same directions in life (人生的大方向）, it will most of the time work out. that really explains it.

thats quite a lot of verbalized thoughts for one night.

2009-09-10T23:14:00.002+08:00

this is an exchange society. i never believe in the theories on how fights and quarrels help strengthen a relationship. it's bullshit. one minute of fight do more harm than losing contact for more than a term. just avoid it. and please, never think that people close to you could tolerate more shit so you could just give them more shit. and NEVER say you understand someone just because maybe you really did, but don't expect people to stay the same. just some random thoughts.

2009-09-08T23:14:00.002+08:00

it's animal instincts. even with societal changes and shift in values. it functions that way. and i want it that way.

2009-09-06T01:30:00.002+08:00

the pace is picking up. and i'm backlogged. time is going faster and faster. the workload is becoming impossible. it almost looks like i've to forgo all my leisure time if i really want to sail along. otherwise, forgo sleep.

2009-08-30T22:41:00.006+08:00

where is this ride going?

we get on buses sometimes not knowing where it is taking us to. we don't have a choice; we got to move. we hold on to the wish of moving on to somewhere different (hopefully better). so we just keep going. but at certain point, you need to be knowing where is this ride going. you can't ride on without knowing where the end might be. do you keep riding, or should you be getting off already. at some point, you really just want to be sure.

2009-08-28T09:50:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wonder if it's jinxed. the earlier i leave the house for school, the later i reach. this early morning's traffic is bad. it must be the much earlier rain. i'm now enjoying my morning sip of tea, at the same time typing this after a nice jumbo breakfast. late anyway, so might as well be even later and slot myself in during the seminar break instead. the tea warms me up. the weather is cool but goood. all these remind me of all the breakfasts i enjoyed with Dawn. i realise im such a breakfast person, just that i never really made time for it. it feels good. i somehow think it's the pink im wearing today affecting me. i should do this more often.

dont you wish we were more certain?

2009-08-25T23:10:00.002+08:00

im likely to vanish from cyberspace, slowly gradually but surely. and im extremely whiny about school so don't ask me how's it going these days. too freaking overloaded, but people i'm working with are fun. people's final year is cool but mine is really like shit. leaving home at peak hour and returning at time when theres NO SUN NO MOON even on days you dont have official classes is not cool. i get body aches. i need massage. i need romance not work work work work work work. you know how your productivity level just cliffs off after 6 hours of attending classes back to back, and yet you still have 2 more hours to go after miserable dinner? ya! talking about food, the school's portions are getting smaller or whaat. i've taken 5 meals today, and asked for extra portion each time.

ok. get a grip. i must work around it. positivity positivity positivity.

if any of you think there's some services that you might want to compliment or complain about, please let me know! i'm such a tortise that i don't go out as often anymore and i'm too easy going (ahem) that i've no strong feelings towards anything even though service is bad. basically i need to complain and compliment services by writing a letter to them, get their response and then do some spastic evaluation. just share with me your experience and i'll complain/compliment on your behalf!

2009-08-23T01:31:00.003+08:00

2009-08-19T22:32:00.003+08:00

i'm so disgusted. so so disgusted.

i want to scold the man. but i think the problem lies in the woman so i'll scold the woman first. whats up with the minds of those women. for goodness sake why are you hurting another woman over a gross middle aged man. why do you do that. and hey man, if you cheat, don't get caught. but you would get caught anyway because woman's sixth sense's right most of the time. bloody hell, just don't cheat la! freaking disgusted. they got this false impression that they are still charming. why can't people just stay faithful seriously. why so many people cheats, and cheat for the second time third time.

2009-08-19T17:15:00.002+08:00

pudding is fine now. poor little thing must have tired himself out. he has been sleeping most of the time since. the vet said he's such a cute baby, and she didn't charge us!

when i have my own house here, i'll save one room for work/study. so when you work, you get completely shut out from distractions. and when you rest and spend time with your loved ones, you separate yourself be it mind or physical from work. and i'll save another for home entertainment theatre. another for studio where you can dance and do your art and music at. hmm, thats a lot of rooms. actually i just need a nice bedroom and a comfy bed. oh and a big clean washroom.

2009-08-18T09:26:00.003+08:00

hamsters never learn. he likes to climb on top of his wheel and then slides off it, and every time he does that, he is putting himself into the risk of having his leg caught to the bars of the cage. i saved him once and it's easy for us because we know all we have to do is to lift him up a little and his leg will just free itself. but he is small, and he doesnt know the science of gravity. and he keeps doing it and doing it and great, now he is crippled. he must have squealed last night but I didnt hear him and thank goodness i woke up early today. the situation could have been way worse. right now i'm waiting for the clinic to open. he probably needs an x-ray. and im going to miss my classes. i've just emailed one of my prof explaining the situation and i think most people would just think that my reason is really lame. some might laugh after reading that email even. like what, you woke up and its leg got caught? a hamster deserves so much of your attention? i had half the mind to tell her it's a dog or something, but why should my hamster deserve any less attention just because it's small (and cheap)?

now i know why my mom never fails to take urgent leave whenever i'm sick and stays up all night to change my towels. cos i really matters.

it might sound odd, but i got an inkling of the importance of having 2 parent.

2009-08-15T23:11:00.002+08:00

i should be picking my mom up later, but i dont know. i'm mad tired. and if you don't see me around on msn much, thats cos i'm sleeping around 11 everyday. just tired. but i guess that's healthy. to good health!

2009-08-14T21:28:00.002+08:00

i fail at putting my thoughts and feelings into comprehensible sentences, but i hope there's much more you picked up from the things left unsaid. one day, we could share a connection so strong that a touch or a look suffice. or does that only happen in fairy tales.

thats partly something i'm trying to achieve in photos. it's really hard. when you can't get it the way you want, it gets really frustrating. you get problematic pictures which go against the mood you want it to be in or not in. but you still keep trying and trying. you might get what you want ultimately or you try to settle for and appreciate what the environment has for you.

2009-08-13T11:47:00.003+08:00

i miss having people laugh at me for waking at brunch time, still eats breakfast and asks 'what are we having for lunch'. i miss having breakfast prepared for me every single morning. i miss having companion for lunches and dinners. i miss having 3 meals each day. i miss being pampered by my teenage cousin who carries everything for me, buys me tidbits with his own miserable savings, brings me ice cream, let me watch my favorite shows despite him being in the middle of his own. i miss watching tv on the couch with someone beside me. i miss how we are never short of people for mahjong at night. i miss having a family. i can't be so needy.

2009-08-10T21:27:00.002+08:00

dreading school. all of it. waking, dressing up, figuring out where my classes are, are all stressing me out.

2009-08-10T14:37:00.004+08:00

i believe china banned all the sites with the word blog in it. i could browse livejournals, wordpress, not blogs. not even flickr blogs. i'm back. bored. lazy. half the time there i was wanting to come back. now half the time here i am wanting to go back.

2009-07-25T01:09:00.001+08:00

needn't say more.

2009-07-23T02:33:00.002+08:00

this is such a struggle. im trying very hard to feel better bout leaving. im going back not knowing whether i would be enjoying myself at all since they've specifically told me that no one's going to be taking me to anywhere. that doesnt sound too welcoming. honestly, was a little taken-aback. how can i not be welcomed? one hand, i'm growing way too tired staring at metals and concretes and surely bringing myself to another city is not exactly very enticing. i flickr-ed (searched the flickr. yea, thats my favorite past time these days) sichuan and gosh, there are so many fucking gorgeous places just a little drive out of the city. the thought is so tempting; money is always secondary, but have i mustered enough courage to finally finally finally travel alone? staying at shabby hotels (are they even hotels) alone? enough muscles to carry my own bag pack worth of clothings? i really wished there's just someone who could do all these together with me.

sometimes i find myself ridiculous too. putting things behind to risk my life taking a pathetically small plane, exhausting my bank balances by occasionally doing reckless stunts like this. and then reality, the society tries to leash you back. and your attachments towards certain individuals and this and that.

thats quite beside the point. the fact is that i'm leaving on saturday night. whatever i do there is an absolute question mark. no, not really. i totally could decide for myself how i want it to be. just that, am i brave enough.

2009-07-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

she has her pride.

2009-07-19T01:05:00.004+08:00

my temperature's back to normal. i've finished (almost) all my medications. only left with one last day's worth of antibiotics. but i'm having a whole load of trouble feeling normal. though it's been only a week, but it felt like i've been missing out months and months of things and just thinking of the necessity of catching up tires me out. people asked you why were you dress up for winter, and you think to yourself doh i am sick! how could they possibly not know. the whole point is yes it's totally possible that today they see you as this and 2 days later bam you become some weirdo. i don't really know what i'm talking about. just having problems adjusting. i think maybe to a sick person, time goes by slower. my hypothesis is that since you sleep so many times on a single day, it creates this illusion that you'd lived by many more days than you actually have.

i cant believe im saying this but i don't stand still in time whenever i get really sick. i freaking get transported back in time. right now, i'm in november 2008 mentally. and what happened in between is totally a blank.

dont wth me. i wth myself. is she nuts?

2009-07-14T00:20:00.003+08:00

have had high fever since last night and hence my monday felt like a sunday with my family members running in and out and fears of myself contacting h1n1. i was asked to 'best take that you've h1n1 and stay home and rest', and 'if anything happens, we will start on tamiflu'. there goes all my travel plans.

last night was so cold even though i was in my trackpants and pullover and buried under 5 layers of blankets. still so cold.

2009-07-09T19:20:00.002+08:00

why do my photos always wear these shades of colors? the honest answer is, they are less nauseating..

2009-07-07T00:55:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling a little beyond myself. overwhelmed. where did all the stress come from?

2009-07-05T00:27:00.002+08:00

compared to the one before, this is cuter, sweeter, less intimidating and al natura

2009-07-05T00:10:00.002+08:00

i totally edited one of my shots, out of curiosity. conclusion: it burns my eyes

2009-07-03T21:09:00.002+08:00

2009-07-02T01:24:00.001+08:00

this is just to follow up on the previous post. looks like i'll be needing another boost.

Mood swings	Irritability
Anxiety and tension	Bloating
Breast tenderness and swelling	Water retention
Acne	Tiredness
Weight gain	Headaches/migraines
Crying Spells	Depression
Sugar and food cravings	Constipation
Dizziness